xmakina: (Default)
I need to put this down in writing, if only because I don't know how deep this is going to affect me.

This evening I received a phone call from my father. Backstory: My dad has been my child hood hero for as long as I can remember. He crawled and saved and worked his way up from an awful home to give me the amazing life I've had. I have modelled my own life on that work, striving my hardest to give my family the best I can. He was part of the very foundation of my identity. Accepting, funny, always good to talk to.

This evening I got a phone call. It started off on a weird note, asking me about my (adopted-but-I-prefer-him-to-my-genetic) granddad, who is a reverend, and if I think it's strange that a man as intelligent as my granddad can believe in something as ridiculous as the Bible to the point of preaching it. He's 80, was a Chaplain in Africa in WW2. I was never surprised by him being a reverend. That's A) what they did back then and B) he's been in world-war-fucking-two. I think he's allowed to believe what he wants. Also, he never pushed it on me. Apparently there was a bit of pressure to get me baptised, but otherwise I've never once had him push the word of God on me.

So my dad goes on a bit before starting to ask me if I've ever wondered about those big questions in life; "Why are we here?" "What happens when we die?" "What's the meaning of it all?". The ones I answered for myself about... 6 years ago. So I say yes and ask why. Then he starts going on about how he had found this group who he had the answers for him. Some self help group that prays on people who have lost their direction and foists Christianity on them. The one that isn't for alcoholics. I'm sure you've seen "The Alpha Course" advertised. I know I did about 3 years ago and wrote it off as no better than Scientology, just they didn't charge you for it. I told my dad this and got a very negative reaction. "Bitter" he called me. "No, disenfranchised" I replied (and was ignored).

So proceeded a very traumatic 20 minutes of my own father pushing this manipulistic clap-trap on me. The core point was thus:
He asked if I had these questions, and I told him yes about 6 years ago and I have my own answers. I told him I am happy with my own spirituality and being and purpose on this planet. He then said "Well if you have these questions you should ask this group", ignoring that I already had the fucking answers that I needed. At some point he questioned how I could know my answers were right and as good as called me wrong.

Please note: Not once did he ask me what my answers were.

Clearly getting very frustrated with him, I started to break down. This wasn't my Dad, this wasn't the man I'd idolised and looked up to ever since I can remember. And if it was he was attacking some of my most core values.

I told him he had hurt me with this phone call and he said "Good". That was it for me. I told him to apologise and he said "No."

The last words I said to my father were "Fuck you, dad." before hanging up. I'm so angry and confused and frustrated and overwhelmed and lost. I don't know what to do or where to go from here. I spoke to [profile] miss_amaranth for a while which helped in the short term but going forward... well I don't see how.

I need him to apologise. To realise what he did was hurtful and cruel and unnecessary. I want my dad back.
xmakina: (Default)
Paul Gray found dead.

I think he may be the first celebrity I care about to die. Bugger. Raise hell wherever you are.


Nov. 30th, 2009 02:40 pm
xmakina: (Default)
G cancelled and doesn't know when she'll next be free. I am a very meh xmakina.


xmakina: (Default)

February 2012

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